Frequently, I have clients who come to me seeking insight and understanding on their perspective relationships. Sometimes these relationships are between married couples, singles who have been together for both long and short periods of time, or long time friends. They mainly want to know, “Are they really in love or is it just lust?” I think that is a very real concern and legitimate question. So, I put together some check-points that might give you a realistic assessment of your own relationship, infatuation, or attraction.
Definition of love: a strong deep rooted and passionate feeling of concern and well-being for the person.
1) Someone who experiences real love, for instance, will more often than not, have a sound perspective of “who” the person really is.
2) They will have an understanding and appreciate the person as a whole; e.g., the mental, physical, emotional and spiritual characteristics of the person.
3) In spite of the other person’s flaws, they will stand committed to their partner without hesitation.
4) Accepting and knowing that the person is a separate human being and maintains his/her life besides the relationship of you.
5) Realizing that relationships do appear as you expect them, they develop and grow over time.
6) Acknowledging that serious relationships are substantiated or gain strength over time.
7) An understanding that there are many components to a person’s personality and being that have initially attracted you to them, not just one or two.
8)-Having a persistent desire to know this person.
9)-A strong interest and regard for the wants, needs, and aspirations or wishes of the person.
Definition of lust: a sexual desire supported by physical attraction.
1) A physical reaction to the person when thinking about them.
2) A superficial attraction to the person.
3) The attraction will not be consistent and you will not see the real qualities or character traits of the person.
4) You will have a selfish regard for the person.
5) Basically, the attraction stems from the physical desire and attraction.
After reviewing the point-descriptions of each, you can see the difference in having a meaningful and consistent relationship with someone that denotes love. “Love” is difficult to put into words when there are emotions as well as physical factors that take place between two people. Your deep-rooted concerns of well-being for the person can be distorted or enhanced by one’s emotions. In addition, sometimes we hurt the people we love more than anyone else in our lives. Why is that? Because we love them and situations and differences mean a great deal more to us with the one we love than with our friends, peers, or even family members. The person we love takes precedence over all and this is natural. Of course, there are always exceptions or incidents that will prevail; however, any healthy person realizes this and makes necessary modifications within the relationship to keep it protected.
Basically, “love” can put one into a beautiful state of being; although it will not stay in that exact place forever, if you equate passion with the “state of being”. The level of passion that is initially felt within a relationship takes different forms and intensities as the relationship progresses. But the couple should realize that it does not take away from or diminish what has been established or rooted. It should only enhance the level of commitment, desire, and concern for each other. The passion levels are no longer the focal point; for example, they are not necessary to fuel the attachment as the characteristics take hold and ground the relationship deeply in realistic understanding, appreciation, and concern for one another.
Lust and love are at opposite ends of the pole; therefore, they should be recognized and treated accordingly. Deception should not be a factor that carries each through the process of each encounter. Truth and honest pursuit are the components to be considered in any relationship so that each person is not taken advantage of or treated in any way that is less than or subordinate to human kindness.
A person who is experiencing lust will likely have
*1- A physiological response when thinking about or encountering the person they desire.
A person who is experiencing infatuation will likely have
*2- An unrealistic vision of who the person is.
*3-A superficial attraction toward the person (typically physical attraction).
Fails to see the flaws in the other person.
*5- Gone out of their way to please the person even if it means giving up things that are important to them.
*6- A romance that starts quickly.
*7- A romance that ends quickly.
*8- Only a few characteristics that attract you to that person.
*9- Interest in the person; however, this interest will be inconsistent.
*10- A selfish attitude toward the relationship.
A person who is experiencing love will likely have
*1- A realistic vision of who the person is.
*2- An appreciation of the entire person (has a holistic vision–mentally, emotionally, physically, socially, spiritually).
*3- Deep feelings of commitment despite realizing the person’s flaws.
*4- A realization that the person has a life outside of you.
*5- An understanding that a relationship develops over time.
*6- An understanding that a long-term relationship is strengthened over time.
*7- An understanding that many characteristics attract you to that person versus just 1 or 2 characteristics.
*8- A consistent interest in the person.
*9- A strong concern for the wants, needs, and desires of the other person.
It seems as though love may prevail in times of adversity yet emerge stronger in the sunlight.
References
Cristy, J. (2006). Candy hearts: messages about love, lust, and infatuation. Journal of School
Health, 76,(3).
