In talking with a couple in a session one weekend, the female partner said that she could feel her partner was holding back his thoughts when they had a discussion over a very important topic of trust in the relationship. The holding back triggered other thoughts for her.
The male partner said that he held back because he didn’t want to alarm her about some of his fears for the future.
In general, the issue was about mistrust resulting from seeing other people in a committed relationship that the female partner knew nothing about prior to his admission. He finally admitted that he had made bad choices and lied about it for quite sometime. In other words, he had hid his extra-marital encounters and on top of that had been lying to protect himself. Guilt upon guilt.
The remorse was quite overwhelming, as he is NOT the same person as before and had to therefore disclose his holding back to his partner. Not an was thing to do!
As a result of all of this, over a period of sessions with me, it was brought to my attention by the female partner that her male partner may be holding back thoughts about the situation and it was a bit disturbing and confusing to her. She began to wonder, why? As I mentioned it was setting off triggers.
After probing awhile, he revealed that he had a fear of repeating his actions and of becoming the person he was before, when and if he had underlying difficulties that he wouldn’t be able to handle.
I’ve known the couple for awhile, so I was able to asses his concern pretty confidently.
I explained to him, based on his recovery and present actions, (the person he is today), that he could feel secure in knowing that he had cultivated a strong sense of awareness in making positive choices. His sensitivity “to never hurt his partner again” (his own words), has become his reminder and motivation.
So, in finally being able to express his thoughts openly to his partner about his fears, which occurred during the session, he learned the practice of “let the words flow” and it took away the power of the fear that had a hold on him.
Never be afraid to express yourself in your relationship or marriage. Your partner will be grateful that you had the confidence and openness of giving them the opportunity to support you and show how much they really accept and love you, as you are. It will bring you a step closer to each other.
