In relationship, whether it’s in marriage or between two partners, most couples are shooting for longevity.
Longevity poses many benefits to an individual and to couples as a team.
For example, it has been researched and studied that marriage protects your overall physical and mental health. Couples live longer and enjoy the benefits of a fruitful life together, as opposed to a separated, divorced, or widowed individual.
However, gender and age do play a role in the studies.
It was previously believed that women are protected by marriage and receive the most benefits from it. But, this is not always true, researchers alert us.
It is now known that both men and women enjoy marriage longevity, but married men are more impacted by the benefits of marriage than women.
A husband even receives benefits when he thinks his marriage is less than the quality standard of marriages. And women take longer to receive benefits, but benefits decrease as the quality of marriage may decrease.
For example, 90% of 48 year-old men live to the age of 65. But only 65% of divorced 48 year-old men will reach the age of 65.
The Secrets To Longevity In Your Marriage
1- First and foremost, is the commitment. Knowing that both are in it to succeed and stay together for always is a huge plus for both.
Commitment is always open and an option for relationship couples, as well. In fact, most relationship couples, according to research, do not make a commitment. I personally find it very difficult to apply any kind of skills to couples who do not regard a commitment to each other and most importantly, to themselves. If commitment is lacking, there is sometimes a resistance to any kind of help.
2- Boundaries are important to the relationship/marriage and to the individual partner.
There must be a regard and respect for another’s private time, personal pursuits and quality time with other people, such as friends or family. These options can be, of course, shared when appropriate and warranted.
Boundaries also extend to beliefs and values a partner may have coming into the relationship or marriage and should be openly known to each other in respecting the boundaries for the future.
3- Trust is highly important and regarded in marriages and relationships. If you don’t have mutual trust, then the relationship between a couple is off-balance. And it will remain there until it is fixed and healed.
Healing takes time and it is not “one size fits all”. It is an individual process and it highly depends on the actions of the partner in question.
4- Words are important, but not as important as the actions carried out through the healing phase.
For instance, it begins with words, the right words, and is followed by action announced by the words. If there is not appropriate follow-through, the words are worthless and the couple has to begin again.
Each time this happens, it adds more stress, doubt, and time to their situation.
So, in concluding, I’ve given you only 4 major secrets to longevity, but there are more. I will continue this article as a 2-part informative venue, so stay tuned to the second half of additional ways to keep or have longevity in your marriage and relationship.
But remember the 4 most important factors: commitment, boundaries, trust, words and action steps.
Have a clear understanding of who your partner is, what they want, and perceive as a comfortable and reliable environment for his/her fruitfulness, so you both can derive the full benefits of a healthy relationship and marriage.
Longevity…Part Two
Friendship is a major component to the success of longevity in marriage and relationship. You hear a lot of couples say that their spouse or partner is their “best friend”. This is a good thing.
Because best friends are usually very close. They don’t keep secrets from each other with due respect to a person’s personal thoughts, that they don’t wish to share with anyone. Everyone needs to have their personal thoughts, random thoughts, or focused thoughts.
Aside from that, they are brutally honest to each other but still have tact, so they do not hurt the feelings of their best friend. There is a way of being honest without hurting one’s feelings.
Best friends support each other in every way. They consciously and unconsciously help each other whenever needed. They are never jealous or envious of good accomplishments, values or characteristics, but rather try to emulate the example of their friend.
Best friends encourage, inspire and enhance the decisions and actions of their friend. And are always kind, compassionate, patient, empathetic, and tolerant of each other. And yet, they maintain their own individuality and allow their best friend to maintain his/her personal individuality, as well.
A major player in longevity towards a relationship in marriage or between two people is something called “comparison levels for alternatives” (CL-ALT) by the late Caryl Rusbult, who was a professor in the Department of Social and Organizational Psychology at the VU University.
Her model of commitment processes is one of the most well known and applied processes for longevity in marriages.
Here’s what her model entails regarding longevity in a marriage/relationship:
The famous and renowned “Gottman’s Couples Therapy” says, “CL-ALT” describes a pattern that we compare to our present life situation vs. a fantasy version, that is imagined to be a perfect substitute or in place of, what we are already living under. In other words, it’s something like the old saying, “The grass is greener on the other side” effect.
Dr. Rusbult and her research called this a “thought-driven, slippery cascade into relational dissatisfaction.”
It is normal to think about thought alternatives like, “should I have attained my Master’s Degree in accounting, or am I ok with what I’m working at right now?”
However, when marital bliss subsides, you and your partner may fantasize about other partners or being single again. When couples stop investing in their relationship and begin thinking they might be happier with someone else, the trust, respect and commitment start to break-down at a fast pace.
Consequently, CL-ALT thoughts are strikingly destructive. Maybe I should have married so and so instead of him. Should I have settled for Ben or waited until I got older? Or maybe he’ll be the one to die early, and I’ll have all the insurance money and single again.
Research tells us that CL-ALT fantasy-thinking is dangerous and can also be very destructive to the relationship/marriage. This kind of thinking is also present in mid-life crisis syndrome.
If you are getting these kinds of thoughts, brush them off before they take hold. Think of your partner as your perfectly, imperfect partner and stay with them instead while working out your issues.
Because the problem with fantasy is that it’s only fantasy, not the reality; which means, it’s just imagined perfectly, but it never plays out the way you imagined it.
Relationships are often times very challenging, but it is better to keep and work on the one you already have. Why? Because you have created history, happy scenarios that are special to only the two of you, possibly a family structure that cannot be duplicated, and extended family members and friends that support you and your marriage or relationship, and have don so for awhile. There are probably a host of other reasons you can include here that are only precious to you and your partner or spouse.
Longevity stems from your fundamental friendship that grows and has developed over time from numerous both good and some bad times. But you both got through it together. Continue on through the ups and downs of it because one day you’ll look back and know that with all the challenges, there were astounding rewards that could not have been bought or invented anywhere else but with the partner you have had for so many years.
And finally, you have a friend for life, maybe children, trust, respect, and a lasting commitment that brought you happiness that cannot be measured or fantasized. It is real!
